Rapper 101

I got to thinking about this industry of music. I boiled down the qualifications it takes to be an entertainer. Why are these things so important? Cuz people fear CHANGE...with a passion. Take a looksy.

You gotta be from the grimiest place on Earth. If shoes aren't strung on a telephone wire, your hood ain't ghetto enough.

You gotta know the recipe for Crack. Hell, even I know this one.....Don't take this as an instruction manual. Cocaine, Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, Water.

You need at least one "baby mama". Refuse to pay child support. If you do, the baby's mother must use that money to buy Louis Vuitton purses and hair/nail upkeep. Unless you wanna be a laughing stock, keep her in czech, cuz you don't want 50 Cent to...

 Get yourself a record label. Name it after something SUPER superficial. For instance: Get Money Records, Diamond Chain Records, et cetera.

Ok, so you got your label together. It's time to turn out a hit and a video. Borrow your dad's camcorder and take it to your favorite freaknik. Tell everybody you're gonna make it rain and buy the bar. Tell the ladies to work hard for those half dollar pieces!

In case your song/video doesn't catch attention, take the liberty to diss your favorite rapper. Call him a f@g or a cop and you're sure to get some listeners. People hate those!

In the event that you manage to sell 1,000,000 records or ringtones as a result of featuring every big name in the game on your debut, purchase a mansion you know you cannot afford. Buy a car for everyday of the year, leap year too, and stock your fridge with the most expensive bottles of alcohol money can buy. Oh yeah, spend as much money as you can on guns and hard drugs to maintain your gangsta image. And buy a lot of iced out chains. Get tatted up too, no prison tattoos.

In case you don't know how to handle your money, it's time to hustle. Do as much TV as possible, do radio/magazine interviews, and do shows at low budget clubs. The bestest way to keep your name buzzing is to be featured on EVERYTHING on the radio. Rap, Pop, Rock, Country, Techno, all those records.

I hope you learned a thing or two from this. This IS the blueprint to today's rapper. Not us though...

P.E.A.C.E